I don’t put much stock into horoscopes, I find them interesting and amusing but don’t hold my breath about what they say. I have one that’s delivered to my email everyday from something I signed up for and never bothered to unsubscribe. I usually delete the email without reading it but for some reason I stopped to read today’s horoscope before deleting and it was so dead-on I had to read it again and just shake my head.
The past week away from home has been an interesting one. I took two different trips, met a few new friends and made some awesome memories. Coming back home Monday afternoon after being gone all week felt a bit …what’s the word? Maybe surreal? It just felt like something was off but I figured I was tired and a good nights sleep would take care of the strange feeling. When I woke up this morning it really felt like my whole world was different – so different in fact I can’t even explain it. As I was trying to shake the odd feeling I started reading email and I found today’s horoscope:
You may notice that nothing much is the same as it was yesterday: which, for many of you is actually an incredibly good thing. Make sure your eyes have not been closed to that by the frustration you have experienced. It really can get better, it just takes time. You are in the process of building and rebuilding a lot of things now. It’s understandable that this would sometimes get you down, make you feel like it’s all on your shoulders: but try not to allow yourself to focus on the burdens, but rather, the end result. Smalls signs of encouragement are all around you- but giving way to frustration may blind you to those, if you are not careful.
Wow! Right from the first sentence this one hit home! But it didn’t stop at the first sentence – every thing it said hit the mark …Boom …Boom …Boom! I got up and walked away from the computer. Time for a shower. Time to get my head on straight and get back to life at home. Didn’t happen. The whole day was off – uneasy, unsettled …basically what the horoscope said “nothing much is the same as it was yesterday”.
Over the past seven days I’ve been surrounded by people who’ve made me laugh, moved me out of my comfort zone, taken some time to have fun, given me a break from the closed-off life I’ve created, and actually seemed to enjoy my company and spending time with me. All of this filled an empty space I’ve felt my entire adult life. I read a quote recently that said “I’m homesick for a place I’m not sure even exists. One where my heart is full, my body loved, and my soul understood.” The homesick kind of feeling briefly faded away over the past week.
Like my horoscope said, I am in the process of building and rebuilding a lot of things. I’m trying to put all the pieces of so many things in place right now and I’ve been frustrated by the roadblocks I keep encountering. I’m frustrated by the fact that I’m so far behind so many people my age – the 40-50 year olds who have already bought their first house, have a wonderful relationship with someone special, are experiencing some financial freedom because of their job/career success – and here I am at 45 still struggling to meet even one of these milestones. The more frustration I encounter, the more difficult it is to see clearly the paths and options I can take or choose from.
The feeling that my whole world is different is still there. All this reflecting hasn’t changed that. So how does all this tie together? I don’t know. What I do know is for the past 30 years I’ve been chasing my tail, trying to put all the pieces of the puzzle together but never seeming to get it quite right. For my next 30 years I want to get it right. I want to move past the building and re-building and just start enjoying everything and everyone that’s part of my life. I want to find my connected group of friends that help me laugh, encourage me to move from my comfort zone, and enjoy my company and spending time with me. I want to reach the same milestones all the people my age have reached. Maybe I’m asking too much – but then again, maybe if I focus on the end results it all can get better.